I guess closing out this week on disappointments would not be complete without something fresh to report on, and a few tests. And what a perfect segue into our week dealing with FEAR and COURAGE!
Tonight, I found a stash of pills (about 14 or so) that VV is supposed to have been taking in the mornings in bed before she gets up. God had revealed to me a couple of weeks ago that this struggle she has been exuding in every area of her life, (with me, with her father, with pretty much everyone) is her wanting to feel a bit more in control, since there are so many things in her life that she doesn’t have control over. I am currently trying to extend areas to her that she can take more ownership and responsibility so that she can help alleviate some of that. And then this. My first response is to FREAK out. My “helper” the HS was on hand tonight though. Somehow, I kept very, eerily calm. Even so much so that Vivia asked me why was I being so quiet after I found the pills.
I sometimes pray that if my children are being disobedient, that they would get caught.
As much as possible, with a child who is battling a life-threatening illness, I am all for allowing my kids to experience natural consequences, because then I don’t have to be the “bad guy”. I just get to sit back and commiserate with them – in a silent “I told you so”.
Well, here’s my opportunity. I know this is what I prayed for. Inside, I am dying a little, because of all the little things: like, I thought that she was starting to “own” her responsibilities a bit, instead of me having to nag her. Like, “doesn’t she want to get well?” Like, I’m so mad she has to go through this! And to the other extreme of wanting to laugh about it because I love her spunk and fight- SO MUCH, just not when it’s aimed at me- if only I could get her to apply that “fight” towards JDM- WOW!
Here is a great example for me to practice what I preach- and to show you what this looks like in real life:
Tonight, I choose trust in the word God gave me for Vivia, instead of fear.
Tonight, I choose to believe that this is of God’s design so that we can work through it, and it will ultimately lead to a “Fast Break”
Tonight, I choose to turn to Him with my disappointment instead of choose the road of bitterness.
Tonight, I choose to believe He’s got something He’s up to, and not to freak out.
Tonight, I choose to rest in “The Great Unknown” like in that song Oceans I posted the other day, “where feet mail fail and fear surrounds me- he’s never failed, and He won’t start now!”
Short and sweet, I need to go pour myself a glass of wine, and spend some time in His presence, and pursue His HELP because right now, fear is hot on my heels, but I won’t let it overtake me. Maybe, I’ll just sit back and watch what He’ll do…
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,”let it go.”
She just came out of her bedroom, and told me she wanted to tell me something:
“Mommy, I was just talking to God, and I asked Him what can I do to get back your trust. I didn’t hear anything, but I felt the most amazing feeling in my heart…”
Goodnight, fellow League of Extraordinary Moms and Dads- It is well with my soul.